On Cats and Consent

How do you teach young children about consent? How do they learn what is and is not appropriate touch? How do we teach them to accept and respect the boundaries other people have set for their bodies and personal space?

These are difficult and confusing questions. The issues are complex and nuanced. It’s not as easy as “keep your hands to yourself” and “no means no.” It gets even more difficult when we say no one can touch you with out your permission but then we force them to let creepy Aunt Agnes to kiss them. If you delve into the layers of different relationships and social cues that vary from one society to the other and one family to another it becomes impossible to comprehensively impart this type of understanding to a child.

My suggestion is to give each child a cat. Why? Well, for starters our culture doesn’t expect as much in terms of tolerance and behavior from cats. Mans best friend is not permitted to bite or growl no matter what forms of torture and fear you subject it to. If Jr. pulls his tail and pokes him in the eye, Rover is just supposed to endure. Not so much for Fluffy. If you torture the cat there will be retribution and every adult will tell you it is your own fault. Therefore, I suggest that cats are the ultimate tool for teaching consent.

The alien dog has three cats who are his minions. These are not my cats. They make me aware that they are fully developed individuals who have chosen to live with the alien dog and tolerate me. They permit the alien dog to sleep with them, touch them, and play with them all on a regular basis. I am only allowed intermittent contact. Sometimes they want to sit on me but I can’t touch them. Sometimes they want to be pet or brushed. It’s all on their terms.

One of the cats is very large and has this incredibly fluffy pooch of a belly. It hangs down when he walks and he is very often lying on his back showing it off to the world. It is the softest fur I have ever touched. I love his belly fluff. He does not like me to touch his belly. Some days he will permit me to give it a quick rub. Most of the time he tells me no with a dirty look. If I attempt to touch the belly after the dirty look he will swat me away. If I persist there will be blood drawn. The cat gets to decide when and if I can pet his belly. And he can change his mind at any time.

The cats have also taught me that touch is not always reciprocal. Sometimes one of the minions likes to reach up and gently pat my face. One of them likes to reach out and barely touch my foot while I sleep. This does not mean that either of them like it when I touch their paws or face. I have the scars to prove it!

Ever try to pickup a cat that didn’t want to be held? Ever try to get one in a carrier? Ever try to get the cat off the bed so you can change the sheets? Yeah, good luck to you. Because a cat doesn’t change its behavior for you. It doesn’t allow your desire to determine its movements. If it wants to sit in the sun then you can just wait. There is no amount of begging, pleading, bribing, manipulating, or whining that will change a cats mind. Force them to your will at your own peril.

Now what about all this blood? Cats are notorious for scratching the hell out of you when you have crossed the line. We accept this as a natural behavior from an animal defending its right to personal space and the sovereignty to be felt the hell alone. Why do we permit this in a cat, but not in a human being? Perhaps it is the illusion of control. For some reason we have, as a culture, accepted that cats will never be fully domesticated. As such, we have entered into a contract where the humans  and the cat will respect each others limits. Sometimes we will forget or cross a line. This will result in a gentle reminder, be it getting pushed off the bed when they attack you toes or being swatted at when you pet an off-limits area of the feline body. If it goes beyond that we agree that claws will be employed.

Give each child a cat and let them learn about consent through trial and error.  Think of how valuable those lessons are. I summarized them for those in the back:

Point #1- Each individual gets to choose who is permitted to touch them

Point#2- Each individual can change their mind and owe you no explanation

Point #3- Just because you let them touch you that doesn’t mean they owe you a damn thing

Point #4- Your desire does not supersede any other individuals autonomy

Point #5- Individuals have the right to defend themselves if you don’t respect their boundaries.

 

VWW- Dating (and why I want more than a dick pic)

 

Date: noun a social appointment or engagement arranged beforehand with another person, especially when a romantic relationship exists or may develop

Dating: verb-A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationshipmarriage, or no relation.

The Urban Dictionary has a more realistic definition of the nuances that are modern dating.

 

 

I fucking hate dating. I hated it before there was technology and I hate it even more now. Lets put aside the fact that swipe culture and the anonymity of the internet has created short attention spans and an increased level of shallowness. That rant is for another time. I want more than a cock.

That seems that all a modern man is willing to invest is his cock. Sometimes it is blatant in sending of unsolicited dick picks (Please, just stop!) Or they say they only want casual and that means that you have no value as a person but they don’t want to actually pay for a whore. They will try to avoid dates because your pussy isn’t even worth the cost of a cup of coffee. Instead they offer some version of Netflix and chill. WTF is that? Hell, I’d be happy if a man offered to permit me to see where he lives. Often they only want to come to my place. I guess it’s easier to leave. The old-fashioned ones will lie. They will pretend to be the things you want, will act like they have a genuine interest right up until you sleep with them. Then it’s all “I don’t want commitment” and “I thought we were just having a good time.” Ugh! We were until you decided I had no value and it was OK to treat me like I had no value.

 

What every woman thinks when opening a text and seeing a dick pic

I feel like this is the narrative inside the average mans mind; “What is the minimum effort that I can put forth to get her to fuck me. If I like fucking her what is the minimum effort I can continue to exert to get her to keep fucking me, but only when it’s convenient for me and never for her. Because she isn’t real and doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I get my dick wet and get to live out some of the porn fantasies the internet has shown me.”No one is allowed to have feelings anymore. Emotions might as well be herpes. Actually, I think saying I had herpes would be received better than if I said I enjoyed spending time with a man.

Examples from my recent experience (names changed because I have integrity, not because they deserve it). Carlos has been texting and fucking me since the spring and I just realized that he may not remember my name. Jack is married and claims to be in an open relationship. He only wants sex and only on Tuesdays. So, what do I get out of that? Dennis and I had great conversation and amazing chemistry. But I realized that he never asked me any questions, nor did he compliment me on anything that wasn’t sexual. He wants to fuck me, but I don’t think he likes me or finds me attractive. Then there is the growing trend of men that claim to be “ploy”  and the assholes that think this is licence to act like fuck boys,

Is it too much to ask for a man who knows his masculinity lies in his strength of character and not in his pants?

I want to find someone I have a connection with. I’m not talking marriage. I don’t really have an end game in mind. It would be nice to have some companionship to enhance the physical relationship. Someone who will hold my hand, put their arm around me, and watch a movie to the end before trying to get my clothes off. Really, I am setting the bar pretty low here.

VWW- Compliments

Part of the backlash of the Brock Turner rape case was responses from men declaring they won’t commit rape. Thanks guys, but that is about as useful as me saying I won’t levitate since I had no intentions to do so in the first place. Then there are the blogs and comments about the good men attempting to enlighten the not good men about the realities on everyday sexism. I applaud your efforts, but that is a brick wall you are talking to. Besides, you are going about it all wrong.

One of the commonly used arguments for harassing women is that the perpetrator is only trying to give a woman a compliment. I have seen many content pieces where these good men are stating that they don’t want to compliment anyone anymore because women have so many men approach them and behave rudely. That banner is being taken up by the not good men as a claim of victimization. “Oh, now we can’t even compliment a woman anymore?” Read that with the correct tone of whining, disbelief, and hyperbole. You know the one.

I would like to point out that the issue isn’t that women don’t like getting compliments, but rather how too many people have forgotten what a compliment is. So we are all on the same page, Webster’s definition of the word Compliment is as follows:

  • an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration; especially :  an admiring remark
  • formal and respectful recognition :  honor

Looking at that we can derive that the not good men that catcall and harass women under the guise of compliment have the admiration part down. Usually for a body part that is sexualized. They have seemed to ignore the part about esteem, respect, and honor. If you wouldn’t walk into a family gathering and tell grandma she has “a nice ass, no wonder grandpa wanted to tap that shit. But bitch, you should smile more,” then you probably don’t want to say that to a stranger. Note the part of the definition that states a compliment is formal and respectful. It’s important.

Want to know how to give a good complement? Watch how women compliment each other. Example:

Hey, that is a great top. I just love the color.

Oh, thank you. It’s new.

It’s very flattering. And it looks really comfortable.

Yes, it is. The material isn’t clingy at all.

Well, it looks great!

Thank you.

Have a nice day

You do the same.

Take a moment to compare that to the following:

Hi baby, how you doing today?

I’m fine

You need to smile more honey, you look so much nicer when you smile.

Silence

Don’t you want to give me a smile?

Silence and looking away

Bitch, don’t let it go to your head. You’re not that hot. You should be grateful I gave you a compliment.

Can we see the difference here? OK, I know you are thinking that is fairly extreme. You would be incorrect, but let’s examine the two scenarios.

The first one focused on an object, the wearer’s top. There was an expression that identified an admiration for it and why, the color. It was met favorably so then the conversation continued to point out other positive attributes of the item. Notice they were still talking about the top. The top looked flattering, not that it flattered any specific part of the wearer’s anatomy. Then the compliment was stated again and they wished each other well and went about their individual business.

Notice that there was no implied quid pro quo in that dialog. It was positive comment given with the intent of making the other party feel nice. The giver got nothing in return. It was polite, respectful, and there were no strings attached.

Now the second example started off with diminutive pet names that should only be used by people who have a certain level of familiarity. Right off the bat that will put someone on the defensive. Then there was a command issues. You need to smile more. This was then met with refusal to acknowledge. The command was then changed to a pleading request and a second rejection. This was then met with hostility. The entire exchange was a type of gas lighting designed to get something for the person giving the compliment as opposed to showing respect or admiration for the person receiving the compliment.

Still confused? OK, there are many subtle clues you can look for to see if your compliment is being well received or crossing over into harassment territory. Did the person answer you with a pleasant and friendly tone? If so then you can proceed. If not, perhaps your opening should be more general and to the point. For example, I like your sunglasses. Are they not responding and/or looking away? Do they have a strange expression on their face? Are they turning their body away from you or trying to create space? Are their eyes moving quickly around the room as if they are attempting to determine the fastest exit plan? Answering No to all of these means you are doing it correctly. Answering yes means you fucked up.

And should you respond with venom when you have crossed over into the creepy guy zone? No. You should acknowledge that you have made them uncomfortable. An example “Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you, my apologies.” That’s it. That’s the end. Don’t try to justify or clarify. You’re sorry and you will now demonstrate that respect by silently moving on with your life and no longer bothering the other person.

 

 

VWW- Interpellate

Interpellate: 

to question (someone, such as a foreign minister) formally concerning an official action or policy or personal conduct

 

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This is one of the things that is sorely lacking in America today. No one questions the governing bodies. Oh sure, among ourselves we do, while gathered round tables in restaurants and coffee shops, maybe at the dinner table if anyone is home from one of their many jobs to actually utilize the table. And of course there are the pundits who speak askance of our fearless leaders. But who follows through with that?

Gone are the days of hard questions asked in repetition, phrased in infinitely different ways, unwavering until answers are given. Reporters will ask once and then move on to the next big, shiny thing ensuring that our short Pavlovian memories promptly forget the point as we are misdirected to look at the scandalous thing a celebrity has done. Much like in the Land of Oz, you can’t look behind the curtain.

Too often have things been stripped away from so many of the citizens, too long have we gone without, repressed, that when we stop to look around we have no idea where our rights have gone. I blinked and our work force is back to robber baron, company store mentality working conditions. Unions displaced by temporary workers and consultants. Medical benefits stripped down to the basics, prices out of reach, vacations a distant memory. Work life balance and leisure time are concepts of a generation long gone. Collective bargaining and thoughts of unions have become heresy and the utterance of even the words with the wrong intonation is the fastest route to a trouble maker label and a quick trip out the door, blacklisted. Homes lost to the greed of the few. Dreams crushed under the false accusation that you didn’t want it bad enough, because you are lazy. Food companies merging to form conglomerates of factory farms and chemistry experiments that slowly poison the population. Individuals are being shamed for believing the falsehood that the multitudes of chemically and genetically altered corn products are nutritious.

Nothing new in any of those statements. We have heard them all before. A little here, a little there. But who does anything? It used to be that the journalists would repeat a story, fanning the flames of unrest. But they are owned by the pigs selling you all the other lies. There is no journalism anymore. Just people reading copy and celebrating the latest bite of information that will distract us from reality. They purposefully misdirect our gaze from the truth and sell us fear and xenophobia.

 

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Changes in media control in the past 30 years

Besides, who reads newspapers? Who watches the news? Not much of a demand for that anymore. They have drugged us into complacency with reality TV and GMO carbs and we have become addicts clawing at our arms ripping our flesh demanding more of the poison that kills us.
Don’t like it? Step up and do something. It’s an election year people. Get out there and do some digging. All of us have the entire breadth of human knowledge available in the palm of our hands in the form of smart phones and tablets. Use them to educate yourself. Look to independent sources, for we can no longer trust the media to provide us with information. But above all, vote.